So, This is What That Feels Like

So the suspense is over and I can finally finish what started a few years ago. It's now official, I am that guy, the divorce guy. I'm not sure that this is going to sink in very easily. I am a terrible quiter. What do I feel like? Mean, selfish, scared, lonely, but funny, I don't feel any regret for this decision. So what happened? Well I can frame it a little bit, but it still sucks.

You never think that will happen to you when you start, at least I didn't. I knew exactly where I was going and what I wanted to do. I think that in general I have been on the same trail for. It's kind of funny, I read a paper while I was packing up my stuff that I had written in college, and for all intents and purposes, I am the exact same guy. A little older, better credit score, more crap to take care of, but the same.

So where did I go wrong? Well, no excuses really change any result. I wish that I had done a few things differently in the past. The real kicker though, I'm not sure that anything that I did would have changed the outcome, other than to just say "ya, that's cool, do whatever you want, whenever you want, and with whoever you want, and in the end I'll still be here bringing home a paycheck. Oh ya, and please yell at me all the time for stupid crap, and please tell me how stupid my friends are, and no we don't ever need to have kids, and sure, I really wanted a roomate more than a wife."

No, in the end it didn't seem very palatable.

About 3 years ago something fairly drastic changed. Counseling said that a certain friend of the wifes was a "vector" of change. Fair enough. In the end I'm not sure that I will ever deal well with everything that happened as a result of the "vector". In general some advice for all from someone who has no business giving any; if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its not a turkey. Be carefull who your friends are, they affect what you become, and for all you spouses out there, if you have a bad feeling about someone being around your spouse, be honest about it and tell them why. Now if you get lied to after that about the nature of stuff, that's not your fault, but still, you gotta say something. I will never no exactly everything that went on in the past, and I really don't want to know all the details. I do wish that things had been different. I do wish that the "change" had never occured.

What change? Well, it's tough to put a finger on, but when activism and femanism and independence and liberalism take over for things like moderation and equality and interdependence and family, that makes it really hard for a traditional punk like myself. Just my opinion? Yup.

I came to a critical moment a few weeks ago. I had another good friend pass in a horrible accident. I began to think of how short and fragile life is. At the same time, after being roomates instead of a couple for the last six months or so, I had to ask myself "Do you really think that things will change and go back to how they once were? Can that happen?" For so long I had hoped that around the next corner it would, and I thought that if I just did a little something different, sacrificed a little more of what I wanted then it could. Then I noticed, that in every scenario, the person I was with that would make living with the past and the pain okay, was not this new person, but the one that i was in love with so long ago. And I had to ask, is that person ever coming back, and how many years do you wait and work for that? I am done.

Friends and family are great, all of mine have been nothing but supportive. Strangley, almost sureally, most have said something to the effect of what took so long. That doesn't stop you from feeling. It is the most low I have ever felt. I know though that it gets better from here. I really just got tired. I've felt alone for what seems like forever. It hurt so bad, but felt so good to say I was through. It sucked, but at the same time it was so good. I hate to lose, I hate it. I hate to quit anything, I'm the optimist. But in this situation it was finally time to accept that I cannot win everything. I cannot have everything. I cannot change everything. And as much as I'd like to, I cannot make people live in any manner other than that which they choose.

It reminds me of a great principle of why we are here. It would sure be nice sometimes to be able to have all the decisions made for us, and have everyone follow the life map to the T. But that's not the plan. I feel like I will have to pay for this, because I do think it's wrong, but I can't help but think that repentence is found in starting over, and trying again with someone who wants to be a companion, a friend, a lover, a wife, a mother, and ultimately a piece of me, and I of them. I know that is possible, I know that it does happen, I know that it can happen for me, and I don't belive in chance and luck and happenstance. I also know that I can go and do the things that I'm supposed to, because their is a real eternal plan out there, and there are no expectations given by the guy watching over us all, unless he preapres a way for us to meet those expectations that he has for us.

So what now? Now i'm going to do all the things that I have been doing. I'll just be doing them alone for awhile. I may throw in a trip to South America or Africa and just dissapear for a while, but I'll be fine. In the end, the most exciting thing about the terrible ending, is the prospect that there then must be a wonderful begining.

So, this is what that feels like.

Courage, so what.

I've often herd courage defined in the past. I think that the definitions all kind of varied, but the one I liked said something to the effect of courage is nothing more than being afraid, and then moving forward despite that fear, without regard to the damage that you may now inflict on yourself. What kind of crazy concept is this? The concept were a person looks at darkness, fear, and loss and says "I will go anyway. I will do this anyway. For the potential reward is too great, too critical, too important not to make this grand, indeed sometimes greatest of gambles." I think that there are many small things that we do that seem courageous, but it is the greatest that truly define us. In my life it has been that way. The greatest defining moments have always been associated with uncertainty, great risk, and of course there is fear.

I remmember quite vividly the moment that I decided to go on a mission. I remmember vividly the times that I choose to chase love even though it meant pain. I remmeber the moments that I spoke up and out in my carrier, and maybe shot over may head, and the rewards that came from being a risk taker. The most memorable experiences in all aspects of my life are associated with some type of risk. Is that then the secret. It might be. The cautious is rarely considered courageous. He who allows circumstance to dictate his life rarely has a life that is later deemed worthy of much introspection or celebration. In fact the greatest men I have ever known have without question always opened themselves up to the battles, to the pain, to the risk. It is without question the fire that forges the metal within.

How many heroes don't get to tell that story? How many of the noble and great are not remmebered? How many take the step only to be crushed by the hand of fate and destiny. I'm glad that such a statistic is not kept, for in keeping it, we would only be validating the true waste of ones life. I'm begining to think it is infinatley better, no matter the result, to be crushed by the weight and gravity of a situation, than it is too sit iddly by and daily, iddly die. For the ones who don't try neither win nor are they spared the gut wrenching pain of knowing that they have been too weak to dare. They are left cowarding and misserable, wondering what they might attain if only they tried. And they will sit forever and still wonder what might have been. What a terrible fate, drowning in what ifs'. All of us do. All of us are in a sense treading water, maybe just wading. Waiting for the moment when we either gain, or lose enough reason to jump.

Courage, so what? As you may have guessed it's on my mind. I'm quitting. Does it really take courage to quit something. After all, it's not so much doing as lack thereoff. At least that's what I would have thought. But now maybe my perspective has changed. Now I understand a little more, maybe alot more. In certain situations, the great act of courage is not to run with, but to question enough, be brave enough, to ask "why do I run?" How ironic that it might take courage to quit running, quit trying, quit carring. It is without a doubt the most difficult thing that I have ever done. I'm afraid. I'm scarred. I must face my war alone. Some decisions are so difficult that you can't really get help, or maybe don't want it. That's when you know you're on the really dangerous ground, the landmines, when you really don't even want a friend there with you, because you know the truth. Isn't it the most amazing empowering thing when they stand up anyway? When they throw you a rifle, when they shout, if only for a moment the encouragement you needed to walk that last yard? That is what you find in your search for courage. You find it, and it is not in a lonely place reserved for the hardened and heroed. It was in the hand that reached for you. It was deep inside of your soul. It was in the soft voice that spoke to you. It was in the air that you took for granted. That is where it was all along.

And now I look over the wall. Now I see the great emptiness, the field before me. I hold nothing. Worldly possesions are meaningless. I have nothing but a rifle. I cannot see the other side. I have nothing to lose, accept everything. I have nothing to gain, accept everything. My senses seem sharper, though at the same time numb. Everything is happening quickly, yet in slow motion. Is this what it feels like? Is this the feeling before the explosion? Is this the feeling before the impact? I feel so alive, and so scarred, and I know that this is the moment that I must decide... I tell myself that after I begin to run, this will be easy. I only need to step one boot onto the field. And so this... this is my moment...

Courage, so what?